Whether you’re an experienced orgasmer or just getting started, our culture of abstinence and slut-shaming can make it hard to feel pleasure enough to orgasm. This is why having open and clear communication about consent and what turns each person on is key.
The first step is learning about your clitoris and G-spot, so you can stimulate them both during masturbation or with your partner.
Sex Toys
Having access to the right toys can make orgasms easier to achieve, especially for those not used to masturbating. Vibrators are a common tool, but there are plenty of other options too, from a dildo to an electric toothbrush. The point is to focus on pleasure and remove distractions so you can tune in to your own body.
There are lots of ways to build arousal and anticipation before the release of an orgasm, including reading erotica, taking deep breaths, lighting candles, and kissing. It also helps to connect to a partner who makes you feel good and isn’t afraid to be vulnerable with you.
If you’re looking for a partner to orgasm with, try to communicate clearly about what turns you on, how you want to use the toy, and safe sex practices when sharing (like applying lube). Try these toys that are guaranteed to get you excited for your first orgasm:
Keep in mind that not everyone who tries to orgasm will have success. It’s perfectly normal not to orgasm on your first try, but if you keep at it, you will eventually learn how your body responds. And remember, you can orgasm without intercourse, too! It just takes a little more patience and exploration. You can even try experimenting with “edging” for more intense orgasms.
Exercise
During masturbation, focus on rubbing and stimulating the G-spot (about an inch and a half inside your vagina, toward your belly button) as well as the clit. It may take a while, but it’s okay if you don’t reach orgasm right away — just give your body time to luxuriate in the sensations.
Interestingly, while arousal is crucial for orgasms, it’s not required for exercise-induced ones. During physical activity, the muscles receive increased blood flow, and can become so fatigued that they start to spasm involuntarily. This is why so many people, including those who aren’t sexually aroused, have orgasms while exercising, especially if they do high-intensity workouts like weight training or cardio.
While you can have orgasms without sex, masturbation is the most common way to experience them. In fact, women who experience their first orgasm while masturbating usually do so before they have their first intercourse. In a 2015 study, researchers found that on average, young women had their first orgasm through masturbation before age 13, with some experiencing it as early as age 5. However, when it comes to having orgasms during sexual interaction, the findings are more mixed. The researchers speculate that this is because sexual arousal and the pleasure that comes from it can take a while to kick in, so it’s hard to synchronize.
Breathwork
If you want to have orgasms that are deep and powerful, your breath is the key. Many sex therapists and somatic sex educators teach their clients to use breathing techniques to enhance pleasure. This is known as “breath work” and it involves breathing in and out to stimulate the muscles of the pelvic floor, which can create full-body hands-free orgasms.
When you are practicing erotic self-pleasure or playing with a partner, try breathing deeply and slowly into the pelvic area. Then, make your exhale audible, like a soft sigh or an aah. It can be tempting to focus on the breathing in order to push yourself to orgasm, but this is a recipe for frustration and disappointment. Instead, focus on the pleasurable sensations of the clitoral ridge and the vulva.
Orgasms are good for you, no matter who you are or where you live. They relieve stress, improve sleep, and increase estrogen, which is a natural antidepressant. They also release oxytocin, which is a feel-good hormone that reduces pain and inflammation and increases feelings of affection.
Despite what we are often told, there is no such thing as a “relax and it will happen” way to orgasm. Entering a sexual moment with the hope of haphazardly arriving at pleasure is not only unrealistic, it can be harmful to the body and mind.
Communication
Often, the things that are keeping you from orgasming are mental. “What you’re thinking about and looking at is directly going to impact whether or not you’re turned on,” explains Luterman. So, if you’re thinking about parts of your body that don’t feel good, or the type of grasp your partner is using that just doesn’t turn you on, practice shifting your focus to sexy stimuli. Think about reading erotica, watching ethical porn or listening to some hot music.
Another thing that can make it difficult to orgasm is the pressure you put on yourself to reach climax. “If you’re constantly trying to force an orgasm, you’ll end up feeling frustrated,” says sex and relationship coach Azaria Menezes. Instead, set a timer for 10 minutes and just focus on enjoying your pleasure. “When the timer is up, stop, even if you haven’t reached climax,” she says.
It’s also important to communicate with your partner about what turns you both on and your preferred methods of reaching orgasm. “Every body is different, and it’s up to you to learn your partner’s turn-ons and how they like to be stimulated,” sexologist and certified sex coach Gigi Engle tells mbg. Open, clear communication about consent and what feels good is crucial to pleasurable sex that leads to orgasm. Then, once you have a handle on your own pleasure and how to reach it, work with your partner to enjoy simultaneous orgasms.
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