If you can orgasm on your own but not with your partner it’s important to understand what it is that makes orgasm happen for you. A sex therapist will want to know your masturbation practice, the angles, toys and positions that bring on an orgasm.
First, let’s take away the idea that a lack of orgasm has anything to do with performance.
1. You’re not in the right mood
There are a lot of factors that can influence libido, including your mood, hormones and stress levels. If you’re feeling low, it’s likely that you will have trouble achieving an orgasm during sex. Similarly, your partner may not be as into you and it’s perfectly fine to ask them to slow down or stop if it’s not working for you.
It’s also possible that you are too focused on orgasm as your primary sexual goal and that’s not going to work. Orgasms are a nice side-effect of sex but they shouldn’t be your main motivation. Instead, focus on enjoying your partner and the pleasure sensations that they can bring you.
You’re probably used to arousing yourself with masturbation alone but it might be difficult to transfer that experience to partnered play. You might need to think about the angles, the toys and techniques that get you orgasmed when you’re solo and try to replicate them during sex with your partner.
Performance pressure can keep both sexes from reaching orgasm during sex. It keeps you from really enjoying the intimate, physical connection that is sex and can make you feel like a failure when you do not orgasm. Talking about the issue with your partner and learning how to relieve the pressure together is a great way to help you enjoy orgasms (or come/cumming) more consistently in sex.
2. You’re stressed out
During intimate moments, we can get caught up in the moment and lose track of how much our senses are being stimulated. This is especially true for sexual sensations. But, if you’re already stressed out, it can be difficult to feel that kind of arousal during sex. This is because chronic stress can affect our hormones, which is a big no-no when it comes to sex.
If you find yourself thinking about your work, or if you’re worrying about your partner’s feelings, that can detract from your ability to orgasm. The best way to combat this is by having an open and honest dialogue with your partner so that they can help you relax, or even just remind you that everything’s okay.
It’s also helpful to remember that the goal of sex isn’t necessarily orgasm, but rather a satisfying sexual experience. Try to focus on the little things – how your partner’s hands feel against yours, or how delicious that neck kiss feels. And don’t be afraid to ask for what you want – whether it’s a groan or a hand on your back – to help relieve the pressure of performance. Then you can just enjoy the moment. And after all, doesn’t that sound better than feeling like a failure? After all, you’re just trying to do your best.
3. You’re taking medication
If you’re taking medications that affect neurotransmitters (such as antidepressants), they may also interfere with your sexual arousal. This is why it’s important to talk to your doctor about your medication before attempting erotic play and to ask your therapist for recommendations.
Many people find that they have a harder time getting orgasms during partner sex. This is often due to a combination of factors, including the fact that they’re tired, in pain, or drinking alcohol. In addition, certain drugs, such as narcotics and anti-anxiety medications, can sabotage orgasms.
Sandra* suffers from general anxiety disorder and PTSD, both of which take their toll on her libido. Her anxiety keeps her from feeling lost in the moment with her significant other, and it’s a struggle to focus on pleasure and not on intrusive thoughts that race through her mind.
If you or your partner have trouble reaching an orgasm during partnered sex, try limiting your alcohol intake, using lubricants, and practicing pelvic floor exercises to strengthen the muscles that support the bladder and vagina. It can also help to have a discussion with your partner about the issue. It’s important to reassure them that the problem isn’t their fault and that they’re loved no matter what. Then, you can focus on resolving the problem together.
4. You’re doing something wrong
Whether it’s because you think you aren’t giving your partner what they want, you’re worried about being caught or you’re feeling insecure and not comfortable enough in the relationship, your mind can really get in the way of enjoying sex. Try to be aware of when your thoughts are distracting you during sex and practice letting them pass. You can do this by paying attention to your senses and focusing on what you can feel instead of what you think your body should be doing.
It’s also important to remember that orgasms aren’t necessary for a fulfilling sexual experience. People choose to have sex for many reasons like intimacy, exploration, communication, play or pleasure and it’s completely normal for some of those experiences to not involve orgasms.
If you’re struggling with orgasms during sex, talk to your doctor or a sex therapist. They can help you identify if there’s a physical reason why you can’t orgasm or if it’s something psychological. They may ask you about your masturbation practices, sexual history and what you expect from sex. They’ll also give you advice on how to talk about orgasms with your partner so that you can both reach climax together. If you need help finding a sex therapist contact your local health services department or ask your GP for recommendations.
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